Sunday, May 23, 2010

I...don't know how to feel.

It's a fairly surreal experience to be surrounded not by the posters, decorations, and vestiges of my four months in York, but by bare walls reminiscent of a stark prison cell. It's kind of weird to see empty drawers, empty wardrobe, empty room, empty everything, just the way I found it way back in January. It's strange as all get-out to see my suitcases again, and to see them filled with my entire life for the last semester. I've had my head wrapped around the idea of being and living HERE for so long that I can't exactly wrap my head around the fact that tomorrow, I'll be HOME. The home from where my parents have been skyping me this whole time. The home where my friends live. The home from where I kept hearing stories about the life going on there without me. Tomorrow I'll BE there, and everyone's lives there won't go on without me anymore.

But everyone's lives here will. And that's the part that hasn't really hit me yet, and probably won't until I'm up in the air or on my layover in New York or even back home in Cleveland. Four months abroad seemed like forever until I actually lived them...but at the same time, looking back on everything I've done and seen and learned over here, it really does feel like it's been almost forever...except forever will keep going, and so will everyone's lives here long after I've returned to Cleveland and to Hope.

I literally don't know what to feel. Nothing has sunk in yet. It's not registering that I'm packing to leave this room, this flat, this university forever. It's not registering that it will be years before I see these people again...if I'm ever lucky enough to. It's not registering that after tomorrow, I won't live here anymore. York will not be my adopted hometown. After tomorrow, this will no longer be my life. This doesn't mean that I'm not looking forward to my life at home, but I can tell already that it's going to take some MAJOR adjustment. I was able to adapt to life here well I just have to repeat the process for my return.

I'll let you know how that goes once I've actually figured out that I'm leaving.

1 comment:

  1. Meg, when my husband and I left Labrador after living there for almost three years, I felt as you do now, leaving York. Watching Labrador fall away under the clouds as our plane headed back to Ohio was heart-wrenching. I left good friends, a way of life I loved, a country and culture that had become a part of me. Heart-wrenching. I've never gone back, although I've kept in touch with folks who still live there. However there aren't many days that go by (six years later) that something doesn't remind me of my time there, and tug at my heartstrings. It's much easier to leave home than to come home; home is always there. The good thing? So are memories.

    I've enjoyed reading your journal, looking at your pictures, experiencing York with you. Thanks!

    Kate Tuthill